Welc ^v^

Also everything you said? Mood

Oof mood I killed off my child deity because I didn't like her anymore lol

Hello!
What's exactly Sanders Sides?

Just erase downpoor and start anew.

Do you want us to talk while your screaming or not.

lmao remember 2 hours ago when i said i might rant about jay????????????????? guess who’s. already on their bull

uhhh so i know a grand total of 0 of you probably remember this, but back on the old forum, i talked about this one person a lot lol. i was kinda in love with them and uhhh yeah. they were like- super important to me and they helped me realize that i’m ✨⭐️💫perfectly fine being lgbtq+ haha💫⭐️✨ and like- they got me into musicals so yeah 
basically i was in love with them pretty much haha and like- i knew this but it was weird because despite all that stuff i just talked about with them helping me i was still struggling with internalized home of phobia!!! yaaay
so that was like- not a vibe. it was around my birthday when i realized “haha oh heck i like them don’t i”
it was my first crush that wasn’t just comp het, and it was the first time i really FELL for someone. and i did. i fell. hard. lmao
uh yeah so then shortly after i realized that, they told me that they were............... moving across the country !!!!!!! and that i’d never see them again after the last day of school !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i was pissed uwuwuwuwu 
but i still decided to say screw it, and decided that i’d be damned if i didn’t enjoy the time i had left with them. (this was before i had instagram so like- all i had was google hangouts)
so we chilled for a few months, i kept falling harder and harder. (my toxic ex decided to tell me that they were talking behind my back which was a lie he was just jealous because i was spending more time with jay than he was which is totally not my fault i mean its not my fault that he’s a genuinely unlikable person and just because jay used to be friends with him doesn’t mean that they can’t talk to other people like-) but yeah. by the time the last day of school rolled around i decided “haha welp i’m never gonna see them again so i might as well tell them : ) at least i’ll never have to face the repercussions for my actions if i end up ruining a beautiful friendship”
so it’s the last day of school, i’m an anxious sweaty mess. i’m freaking out, having my first ever panic attack without even realizing it, and just over all not vibing haha. jay talks to me, they seem upset. obvious reasons, moving away across the country the very next day. but it’s okay. we’re chilling. they ask me if i wanna go to the nurse’s office to get some water. i agree. the nurse’s office is empty. the timing is perfect. my face is bright red. i’d sweating. my heart is pounding. and you know what i do??????? nothing. i wait for them to get the water, they drink it, we leave. (unrelated but someone just texted me asking why the onceler is hot and i hate it here please stop this) missed the perfect opportunity because of my anxiety. fun. oh well. i’m still determined to do it. 
the other half of the day goes by, i still say nothing. i’m a MESS. i can barely breathe. the bell starts to ring, and students are being called to get on their busses and leave. i go into full on panic mode, because i know it’s now or never.
so i pull them aside, i tell them i need to talk. i begin.
”okay, look. this is really hard for me to say, but seeing as you’re leaving tomorrow, and i’m probably never gonna see you again, i figured i kinda have to.” i’m staring at the ground, i’m terrified. i can barely breathe. i cant look them in the eyes. “i.... god, this is really hard to say. I... like you. i have a crush on you, and.... i have for a while now.”
the world goes silent except for the announcements being called for students to leave.
”that makes two,” they say.
”carline and walkers on the second floor with last names a through l, please quietly exit the building.“
that’s it.
that’s the only answer i get, and i have to leave. no explanation, nothing. just “that makes two” and then i have to leave. in my haze, i don’t even say goodbye.
the next day, i checked my google hangouts to see a picture of a uhaul truck in their driveway and the words “it’s suddenly real.” (biiiiiig old tear jerker coming from the person who introduced me to musicals. if you know you know.)
that was all.
we didn’t talk for a while.
until late august. we started talking again, and i was overjoyed. we were finally talkin g again. i still had no idea if my feelings were reciprocated (because like. “that makes two”?????? tf does that mean? it could have so many different meanings like-), so i decided to test the waters. i flirted a little (very badly). it uh. did not go well. they said they’d rather kiss my ex. which didnt sit well with me. but! good news. they apologized soon after ! so yeah. we were chilling again, we would talk in classes, etc. it was fine. until one day, when they just. stopped responding to my messages and i was????? really concerned lol
so i get mad and i close out the conversation. then someone in my class says “hey look someone’s visiting!”
someone else asked if it was an old teacher who had retired the year before,
”no, its jay!” 
and i almost pissed myself : )
i swear it played out in slow motion. i jumped up from my seat, chair clattering to the floor behind me. i ran to the door and pushed through the people in the way. the hall was quickly filling with students headed to lunch, so i ran through the crowd, running at full speed. i needed to see them again with my own two eyes. 
i pushed through into a clearing. i saw them, they saw me. in my panic, i said the first thing that came to mind.
”what a coinkydink!”
they smiled, and their eyes lit up, and i felt like everything was gonna be just fine. but i also realized something else. if even after all this time apart, just seeing them still gave me the butterflies, this was more than just a crush. i truly had fallen for them. oh no.
regardless, we vibed for the day. it was nice to talk with them in person. i had missed them a lot. it ended all too soon, and they were headed back. 
things were mostly uneventful from that point forward, we would talk online, it was fine. everything was fine. i was still infatuated with them, and they were still completely uninterested. it was starting to mess with me and it made me feel kinda bad. so i lied to myself and everyone else. i told everyone that i was over them, and that i had interest in someone new. and for a while, i was actually convinced. i would almost get into relationships, but i would pull out at the last second, because i would realize that i didn’t actually like those people, and i didn’t want to lead them on. it was a hard time. eventually, i ended up telling this one person that i liked her. she told me that she unfortunately already had a girlfriend, but that she liked me before, back when i would talk about jay a lot. it made me really mad. a few months pass, this girl had broken up with her girlfriend a while ago, and i figured it was safe to try again.
”i’m so sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship at the moment. i hope we can still be friends tho!”
i’m like aight, aight, that’s calm. and it was. it was totally calm. until i checked her story the next day. 
“literally anyone please ask me out i’m desperate 🥺🥺🥺”
that really upset me. literally she could’ve just been like “oh yeah sorry i’ not into you i’m sorry can we still be friends tho” and that would’ve been fine. but uhhh no instead she decided to lie to my face and tell me that she wasn’t interested. that really pissed me off, and so i ended up going to the only person i knew i could really rely on.
jay.
and they were an amazing help. they encouraged me, told me that i was right to be upset and that she should’ve just been honest with me. they were incredibly kind. and they continued to be really nice (like- nicer than usual, which is really saying something because they’re not the most emotional person out there. they’re much more private with their feelings, so if they show that emotion, it’s STRONG.) i started to get scared that i was catching feelings again, but i mostly ignored it. until new year’s eve. 
it was about 2am, and we were on a video call. we were vibing. they didn’t have anyone to celebrate with, so i called them up near midnight. we had been talking for a few hours, and we somehow got onto the topic of three years ago when this story started. we were talking about how i had liked them all those years ago, and i finally got my explanation for their answer. “that makes two” meant that two different people had confessed to them that day. 
i shook it off and ended that topic by saying “yeah, well, if it makes you feel any better, i’m completely over you now.”
they responded by saying “what??? oh...” really quickly. they sounded disappointed. that’s when i panicked, and everything came rushing back.
i struggled with this for 24 days. it was excruciating. i had spoken to several different people about the issue, and they all told me to just talk to them. i knew i should, but it was just way too hard for me. it was only when i started joke flirting in a discord chat and they started flirting back that i actually did it, and that was only because my friend who was there started screaming at me to. 
that was january 24th, 2020. i told them how i felt, and we decided to give a relationship a try.
that will have been 6 months ago tomorrow. 
6. months.
we’ve been together for 6 months. after pining for 3 years, that is absolutely wild. i can’t believe it. i’m so incredibly happy. this is so crazy to me. how did i manage to pull this off???????

oh lol no thats no problem lmao

the reason i changed it is because when i was going as downpour i was still identifying very femininely. i know that’s kind of a stupid reason, but when i associate things together, i associate them strongly. so i kind of associate downpour with my femininity, which makes me feel dysphoric. i was also not in the greatest headspace back then, and i really want to move forward from that and not be seen like that anymore. i’m really embarrassed about how i acted and the things i did back then, and i do not want to be that person again. it was a rough time, and i’d rather just leave it all behind me. i’ve learned from it, i’ve improved, and i’d like that to be the end of it. it’s kind of stupid, i know, but it’s my way of coping with it. in addition to that, froggy is my name now, not just my nickname. when i figured out my gender, i decided to change my name, because i couldn’t stand my deadname. for a while i went by casey, but that wasn’t right either. a lot of people started calling me froggy because of my slight obsession with froggy chair, but i liked it, so i went with it. the name froggy makes me really happy, and it’s convenient because i can tell my family that it’s just a nickname, so my mom occasionally calls me froggy, and my brothers do too. 

and if you’re asking why i don’t like downpour the character anymore, it’s a combination of the above reasons and just that she isn’t a good character in my opinion lol. i can do much much better.

haha sorry that got heavy

Last edited by downpour (July 23, 2020 00:51:19)

you know, it’s really funny that you said that because they’re literally coming over to my house in like a few days lmao and we’re gonna get to see each other for the first time in over a year lmao

honestly, i’m thinking of just completely removing her from the rp. i wanna still keep her as a character, but like. i don’t wanna roleplay as her anymore

yeah lol
their sister is having a baby so-

i wasn’t super clear on that, sorry. i wanna still have her as a character to like draw and stuff but like- i don’t want her to be connected to the rp anymore if that makes sense?? i dunno

yep, i hope to be restarting, clean slate

i guess i could, but i dunno
for now tho i think she’s going byebye

i haven’t figured that part out yet, which is why i haven’t rejoined the rp yet lol

no, not really h
its a bit of a mess honestly 

iggubyucfycrtcrvthunu tomorrow 
tomorrow i’m seeing jay
i’m going to see my datemate for the first time in a year and the first time since we got together 
i’m so scared wtf
omg this
i might cry hhhhhh it doesn’t seem real
i’ve missed them so much but the idea of seeing them again is making me really anxious 
we’re going to be hanging out on our own since our friend cancelled on us, so it’s gonna be- like-
hhhhhhhhh oh jeez
i’m so excited and anxious 
like 
​hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

What Echo said. Hope you have an amazing time with them.

hOLY FRICK DUDE THAT'S AWESOME THO

update: he unfollowed, as expected, but it was still very very appreciated 
even just knowing that he knows i exist kinda blows my mind

honestly i’m glad he unfollowed because having to cope with the fact that someone i look up to so much would be seeing every single thing i create would really mess with me
even just in the shower i was slightly panicking about that lol
it was certainly interesting 
but yes
it was appreciated, but i’m honestly very glad it didn’t last long
and hey, i still have screenshots in case anyone thinks i was lying and so i can remember it lol 😎